TOA is a four-letter word. No, really. I now know what the most dreaded word facing a 12-year old kid is. E-X-A-M.
I was reduced to a 12-year old a week ago. We had to sit for two TOAs, aka Timed Online Assignments, which make up for 50% of our GPA for each module respectively. Essentially, we were given two hours to complete three to four questions. There is another 30 minutes given for reading, planning and submitting the written answers.
My classmates and i did a rough calculation – we have at best, 30 to 40 minutes per question. And our lecturers exhorted us to ensure we get sufficient time to attempt every question.
The day arrives. I set up my laptop, checked my Internet connection, made myself a cup of tea, all ready to begin…and it happened.
I PANICKED. It came on the moment I clicked on the examination paper. For the next 30 precious minutes, I was literally paralysed with an unexplainable constriction of all senses except a rapidly accelerating heart rate. I could not even maneuver my mouse!
So yes, I did not manage to complete my paper. At that moment, when I submitted my half-done paper, the brutality of such an experience hit. Abolish the wretched system of examinations, I wanted to cry!
As I came to terms with the horror of what happened, I truly felt like a student. Plagued with all the insecurities and uncertainties a young padawan would experience. And that dreaded fear of failure.
Yet, learn I must. To embrace the anxieties of my yet untrained legal mind, and grow in the journey of becoming. Towards certainty of thoughts and reasoning, and confidence of flourished writing, even under extreme time constraints.
Brutally painful read…. but one thing is true: you will never know when you get hit with one of these moments. Hopefully few and far between – or preferably once and never again. I remember way back when I was sitting for a Land Law paper, and my land law tutor was going through the exam hall checking the copies of legislation we brought in (no open book examinations then!). She looked at me and whispered, “Good luck – not that you need it….” and walked away… and for the first time in my life, I went blank…. It took the ringing of the bangles on the hand of my classmate as she shook her hands to avoid cramp to bring me back to the fact I had to start writing.
I trust you did well enough to pull through! Examinations are nobody’s favourite activity. One piece of advice – in cases like this you must remember – half answers to all questions scores better than full answers to half the questions.
Enough! They are out of your hands, and truly in the hands of the Fates, however you perceive them to be. For now, stop regretting: we really cannot control when these things strike us. Just pray you’ve now used up your quota of such events!
Thank you Prof, for your kind words! It was a huge learning point for me. Hopefully, I have done enough to scrape through! It was truly a baptism of fire!